I-KI-GAI (生き甲斐)

The reason of being.

Or this is what it means anyway. But, do we all know what our Ikigai is?

I tried to find out along my life and, even now that I am almost 30 I still do not know that purpose. How can we? Only experiences, bad and good, help us determine who we are and what we want.

I for one would love to be a writer, hence this blog too, but is it what I am good at?

I have been working in Customer Service for 5 years and I believe I am good with words, but am I good enough to make this my purpose?

I guess I am still on the path of discovering this. I just hope I get to find that purpose so I feel like I lived for something and not in vain. Sounds sad but most of us deal with this

And that is ok too.

Not good enough??

Have you ever liked a girl/guy so much and, when better checking them out you feel like you are “out of their league” or “not good enough” for them?

I have. Many times. And that is toxic…

We can’t expect for everyone we like to like us back. It is only normal. We are humans and have different preferences. While it can hurt, we need to remind ourselves to calm down our overthinking and take things as they are. We need to learn to be happy with ourselves and improve ourselves only for our own sake, and then others will take then approach us more. And yes, they may not always be the people we like but, with a bit of patience, those people will come too. Maybe not now, not tomorrow, but someday.

Stop comparing yourself with everyone on social media, start working on yourself and be a better version of yourself without having to prove it to others. Prove it to yourself. You and the only one that matters.

Back to it

Being in a relationship is awesome. You get to do stuff together, share accomplishments with someone on the same level as you and that understands you, you get to go out at movies….

But what happens when it ends after some years and then you find yourself alone, looking for someone else to fill the gap, find someone yet can’t get attached?

OF course some re-adjustment time needs to pass so you can start opening your heart up to that person again, but is it normal to feel annoyed? To feel like you do not have space? To want to be alone?

That is normal but when you get into a new relationship, it may get hard for the partner. I like the guy, he is nice but I feel like, at times, he is too much. Does that make me a bad person for not being as warm towards him?

I am trying but at this time, I am not able to. I keep looking for my ex in him and, when I can, I may take my frustration out on him. And that is not ok. Does it make sense?

But, I will try my best to give us time and see where this takes us. I am sure it will get better with time and as we get to know each other more.

How about you? How did you re-adjust to a new relationship? Did you find it harder or easier?

2021

Been a while since I wrote anything. 2020 has also been quite the year…

For some, it was a really great year, while for others well…not so much. And I am thankful I was somewhere in between.

Lost my 5 year old relationship, yet gained a lot of experience (mostly bad but good also) dating, got a new and stable job, my treatment (depression) worked 90% (the other 10 is still work in progress) got an iPad (which was like my ultimate dream) and lost some weight (but gained it back a bit during Holidays ;( )

Also, work from home. This was the best thing ever and, since I always wished for that to happen, I got to finally experience this too.

But unfortunately with good comes bad too and, even if I know most of the bad is due to me and my way of thinking, as hard as I am trying to, I just fail miserably.

I started to feel alone and going alone through a pandemic is sure as hell not easy. Every time I got an accomplishment, there was no one to share it with. Friends? I try to make them and, even if I know at times I am indeed socially awkward, friendships do not seem to stick to me. Yeah, I do have friends, but no one to talk to necessarily.

While I do not believe me and my end were meant for each other, I still miss him like hell…..almost every day. Work is getting to me sometimes and I only have myself to talk to. I am struggling to find reasons to go forth but, eventually, I manage. Truth be told, since I got one of my dreams come true (the other one being an apartment) I am proud and motivated to do something. SO I started with writing. Even this blog post, this is to me one step forward. Even if there is no one to read them. To me, it is a small accomplishment.

One week ago I met a guy through a colleague of mine at work and we talked. We got along really well and I was getting my hopes up again (BIG BIG Mistake!!! ) only to see that he is distancing himself from me on the excuse that “he is going through a busy time at work and he is very tired” What?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not a 24/7 chat type of gal. I chat enough with customers at work (Customer Service Rep) But would one message along the lines “Hey! How are you. Hope you are well. Sorry I can’t talk but I am quite tired. We will talk soon” would work. Am I asking for much? If yes, then please excuse me…. I was never like this and I do not like these types of people. I would rather be told “Hey, I am sorry but I am no longer interested right now” and we end it up amicably, instead of *vanish mode on* *ignored* *blocked* type of people. That is plain rude and, even if you have no obligation towards that person at all, you should at least have the decency to end it nicely. We all have feelings and it is called common sense. But I guess it is easier to just ignore people you no longer like than face their real feelings 🙂 …

Anywho, I am hoping that this year, alongside 2022, will be greater. Wether I find someone or just go on my own path, time will tell. Hopefully, there is someone meant for me out there too. If not, since I am a dog person, I can just adopt and travel the world with my BFF.

Here’s to a better year for all of us and stay strong. COVID will end soon and we will be able to explore again.

YOU. ARE. ENOUGH.

Yes. You read that right. You are and will always be enough.

Yes, you may not have as many friends as you would like. You may not have a ton of money and you tend to go through more shit than others. But you are still alive. And there is a reason for that.

What reason is that, you ask? Well I will be damned if I knew the answer to that. And you may not know it either. Not today, not tomorrow… But that is the beauty of not knowing where your life is headed.

You can still explore and figure things out as you go.

In the end, it matters that you live your life at its fullest, no matter how big or small things get.

If you get down, bring yourself back up. If life throws shit at you, pat yourself on the back for making it this far. If people are shit, ditch them. No one is worth it more than yourself. Surround yourself with self love and stop being dependant on other people.

YOU ARE ENOUGH 🙂

A few things you CAN do while quarantined

I guess things are much worse than we all expected.

Do not worry. If we stick together and stay indoors, things will pass. We just need to be responsible.

But we get really bored, right? We need some air, some sun, a walk in the park where birds sing all happy and swans roam the lake.

I get it. I get bored too. But that should not stop me.

Take this time as a break and focus on yourself. Get back to that Hobby you never managed to take care of because you did not have time. Create new hobbies if you do not have any.

Here are a few of the things I managed to get into, more than I used to before:

• I finished a few of my TV shows on Netflix. I still have many to go, so I guess I will DEFINITELY not have time to get bored.
• I got back into my reading habit…ish (because Netflix >.>)
• I painted
• I wrote daily in my journal – journal-ing can be VERY de-stressful. Trust me ❤
• If you are working from home, get some rest as well. You need it.
• Meditate – 10-15 minutes of meditation helps you put things in order in your head.
• If you are into Tarot, get your deck and read daily. This way you will also learn your cards 😉
• Yoga – if you like working out and stretching, guess you can do both in one

Whatever you do, do not let this get you down. If you are sad, remember that our ancestors went through much worse. We are told to stay indoors. It is really not that hard. It takes getting used to, but it really is not a big deal.

We can do this 🙂

Stay safe and take care of yourselves and your loved ones.

2020 or The Year of Changes

2020 came down quite hard and shocking for most of us.

For me it went like this:

• lost my relationship of 5 years
• started therapy
• started treatment
• started my photography school that,unfortunately, got postponed
• lost some weight
• COVID-19….

Can’t say I did not see a major change coming our way. Mother Nature had about enough with overpopulation. And so have we.

But I was thinking about a big Earthquake…..

I guess you can call this a sort of a Global Earthquake too.

I am afraid this is not it. I feel like something more is coming. Not sure if a war but….something.

And, as bad and heartless as it may sound, Earth needs this. WE need this.

Resources have reduced, population keeps growing, future babies will die of hunger if we do not learn how to properly ration things.

We need to teach them now, so they can thrive later.

Stay indoors and stay safe.

May Mother Nature be kind to you 🙂

Drowning…

I feel lost….Lost in a sea of sharks that we now call society.

No one cares about you. Once they see themselves up top, all they do is replace you like a sock and mock you.

Especially companies. They present you with such a beautiful offer and tell you they care, yet, when they feel they no longer need you, they simply throw you down the street like you are nothing. And it is a shame. They all forget that they were us once, and they keep forgetting that employees make a company go…

Plus, people have forgotten to be nice. They all learned to bullshit better….

My advice to you, reader, is – if you have a hobby or are good at something in this life, exploit it and build something of your own. Don’t let others lead you in the way they want. BE your own leader 🙂

Falling Star or something else..

If you believe in Aliens or not, that it is up to you. I always try to find the logic behind things I see, but I do believe we can’t be alone in a huge Universe.

Last week I saw something very strange. Like really, really strange. I had to look up how satellites act in order to state a fact. And that sure was no satellite.

I went outside to enjoy the clear night sky (my favorite thing ever) and I saw a plane. Followed it until one point and then I saw what looked like a moving star. So I told myself ” Oh, a falling star ^_^”

But this is where it got weird. The “star” no only that it was “unsure” where to go, but it changed trajectory quite fast.

I remember it came towards my direction, IT FLASHED >.> like someone took a photo (what could have been a satellite I thought) and then it wanted to go to the right side, but then decided to go left. That moment I called my boyfriend so he can witness too, because he is a hell of a skeptic and does not believe this, and he would not have believed me. HE is still uncertain, but he can’t explain it either.

So it went left after it flashed and zig-zagged a bit, then it continued in that direction, later on flashed AGAIN (this is when we both got weirded out) and it continued going in that direction, only to flash one last time. And then we either lost it (as it became smaller and smaller) or it simply went away.

Now, the most logic theories are these: either it was a satellite (but, from what I gathered, they do not change trajectory that fast) and two, falling star….but then again, stars do not change trajectory, and you can see when they break into the atmosphere and simply vanish.

So, what it was, I have no idea, but I will surely remember this for the rest of my life. It was one hell of an experience.

2019 so far…

Hi reader. LOOOOOOOOOONG time no write.

I neglect it a lot. I know. My laptop is slow AF, I hate typing on my PC, I usually get stuck on Instagram and Pinterest when on phone and in the end, nothing gets done.

So far I have only achieved one goal from all those I made and that is getting a (2 wheeled) scooter. Not sure how else to call it, but it helps a lot in town.

Other than that, I am completely lost, have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life, I am SICK AND TIRED of working for corporations and…..here I am. Depressed again. *sigh*

Not sure why I have a huge lack of energy. Could be the heat, could be all the people around me at work, or the work itself.

I thought about doing something of my own but….where on earth do I even start?

I just hate this thing where I get some days off work and accomplish nothing. I just feel like sitting in bed, watching Netflix. (Have you seen Stranger Things? ❤ )

All in all, hope you are doing much much better and are achieving much more. If yes, I need tips 😀

Cya next year, or whenever I feel like typing on this slow laptop (hopefully will get a new one next year..)